Written August 12, 2014
Getting over something or someone is a process. It takes time; it takes having grace for yourself when going through challenging situations. I think it is also vital to acknowledge what God is trying to teach you when going through trials and tribulations. These past few months, I've been learning how to deal and heal. However, although my struggles to deal and heal feel out of control (depends on the day) the following things listed below are just some lessons I am learning when it comes to “grieving” relationships, aka “ugh…sucks, sucks, sucks, I hate this” times. Maybe you can relate:
1) Don’t take the way another person deals with grief personally. Yeah, it may have something to do with you, but that doesn’t mean that person hates you. They may not know how to treat you kindly. I mean maybe they are just an ass, but I prefer to see the best in people and choose to believe that maybe they are just hurt and deal with their hurt differently.
2) It takes conscious effort to STOP THINKING SO MUCH about the should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve scenarios. Let those thoughts go NOW, then let them go a few seconds, minutes, hours and days later when they come up because the boy will they come up again and again. I’ve found once you’ve got out the initial emotions of pain, it’s a great idea to seek professional help to process through everything with someone who has no ties to you or that person.
3) Have grace for yourself and be kind to yourself. Thinking about the could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve is a small sign that you cared. That’s awesome! Each day you will have to let go and let God, but in time you’ll realize your thoughts don’t wander as far as they used to and there is peace.
4) Quit with the constant chatter. Yeah, it was great to talk to everyone and anyone about your heartache when it happened, but at the same time, I’m learning you never should be talking to people more than you’re talking to God. Practice telling Him what you're thinking; this also helps prevent rumors from starting. I’ll admit, I am a verbal processor and talk a lot, but I’m sometimes learning the best remedy to moving on is shutting up. Or at least talking to a few trustworthy people. This point is not my strong suit.
5) Talking to the person who broke your heart or hurt you doesn’t always help. You may think, “If I can just say this to him or her, I’ll feel better.” Umm…sorry, but no, you won’t. One more conversation will not help you most of the time. It will leave you with more questions and fewer answers. Use wisdom before sparking a conversation and make sure if you’re going to talk…you’ve thought out what you want to say, and that you can say it with love.
6) Yeah, maybe they still like you, love you, shoot and perhaps none of the above. Perhaps they have moved on. Sadly, it doesn’t matter. If you were supposed to be with them today or yesterday…you would have been, and if you’re supposed to be with them five years from now, you will be.
7) Having faith doesn’t mean putting your trust in a situation going the way you want it too unless God told you exactly how it would go, so let go of anything apart from His will. True faith is putting your trust in God and His word. Trusting IN HIM that no matter what happens, he’s in control. Not in believing that the situation will happen this way or that way. Well, what if it doesn’t? Ask yourself who your faith is in, and if your hope is in the mountain and the mountain crumbles, then you’ll crumble with it. If your hope is in God and the mountain crumbles…well, God is still sovereign and God is capable of building a new mountain. He can’t crumble and will NEVER crumble.
8) You’re beautiful, handsome, excellent, great. Sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, just depends on the day. Those who matter don’t mind, and those who don’t matter will mind. Be kind to everyone to the best of your abilities, but who doesn’t wear their emotions on their sleeves when going through a tough time. Have grace for yourself and hopefully, others will too. If they don’t, whatever…sounds harsh but better you grieve now than spend years grieving because you’re afraid of offending people.
9) Reading, writing, and arithmetic. Find ways to express yourself or surround yourself with positive thoughts, words, and people. Watch positive videos, read positive books, yet understand there is no formula to grief. Doing this or that plus this or that will not always equal a whole and healed heart. Again…have grace for yourself and be okay with needing time. Don’t base how you grieve off of what others say or fill your heart with things that make you hope in the wrong things.
10) Do what makes you happy, but do it for yourself and not for the approval of others. Trust me; this has been super tough for me. However, it’s a day to day process…just see #2.
11-15) Love God. Love yourself. Love others. Love your life. Live your life.
Just some of the lessons I am learning this season of life. I’ll admit I don’t like a lot of these lessons because, in my perfect little head, I would be conquering the world no grief in sight with a companion by my side, but I’m riding solo. None the less, hope it helps you in some way.
Embrace the grieving process. Jump into the waves and ride them out. However, be sure to bring Jesus in for the ride. I guarantee that those salty and tumultuous waves will somehow cleanse you. If He brought you to it, He can bring you through it.
May you find cleansing waters in life’s most tumultuous waves.