Written March 30, 2011
I should be studying for a test I will be taking in the next few hours, but I find myself wanting to express my feelings even though my grades should probably look as valuable as the $30,000+ I pay to attend this University.
The last few months have been hectic, and when I think about everything I thought this year would be…I am left thinking to myself what the heck, NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would go. Someone told me this would be a season of acceleration, and here I am reminiscing on the past and my current situation thinking, “Jesus…in what way? Where? And am I missing something?" These thoughts on life currently consume me.
I've been pondering more in-depth about the things of God lately. This is because my life doesn't make sense, and when I look at certain situations that have left me sad, angry, and frustrated, I am thankful and happy to know that I did not learn each lesson in vain. Instead, I've learned that everything I need to learn is wrapped up in the abundance of God’s grace. Lately, I've felt forced to give God total control and forgive myself. I've also had some real conversations with God where I've been honest about my shortcomings in order to keep moving forward, knowing I had done all I could do. In doing this, I've had to learn, the threshold of Pain.
I recently had to come to terms with the end of a friendship, and the pain I felt about it was at first tough and at times still can be. Amidst asking God what the heck just happened, that’s when God began to speak to me.
I began to think of everyone who has experienced some form of pain in their life, more specifically from an unhealthy relationship, and I started to understand why someone might return to an abusive situation. I thought, PAIN. They return to abuse because, at times, the pain is the very thing that makes life seem bearable. Although it taints foresight of the future and tests one’s hope and faith, sometimes it's easier to return to a relationship or "situationship" where the pain is understood. In some cases, we don't want to let go of the time, effort, and emotion we invested in the other person. It's like we have to prove we are worthy enough, maybe even with hopes of changing our partner. Then when it ends, the reality we face is that new unfamiliar pain we've run from, the pain of the unknown. This pain is healing but tough. Every single day, you wake up not knowing what day the pain will be gone, and this is what I'm finding to be the hardest part about walking through the threshold..
I don't know how people overcome all sorts of pain and adversity without Christ. I almost commend anyone who has overcome trials without faith in God, because when things get tough in my life, I am so quick to look to Jesus even if to ask Him the question of…“Seriously? What the heck is going on? You said this, so when will this all happen? Ugh…”. He sometimes answers or makes the pain last just a little longer, but I know myself, and I know I can't hold the weight of any pain without His help. He always takes me through.
Once you've experienced loss, it can be tough to see past the pain, but I love that God says we can cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us. Less than perfect situations in life can bring us that much closer to God, and I believe He can take bad situations in our lives and turn them into something beautiful.
What is it today that you find yourself holding onto? Is it remorse, guilt, frustration, loneliness, anger? Why not give it to God and continue to love life and every circumstance you're in even if it has to be from a distance. We sometimes say stuff we don’t mean and we also run away from situations that make us look less than perfect. But God sees past all that, so why not skip the whole being macho and jump straight into brokenness, and embrace it.
Pain is one way to experience the presence of God in an unfamiliar way. It is also God's way of bringing us closer to Him. Embrace the pain, look unto Jesus, and understand if you hold on and allow yourself to feel, and to grieve, healing comes.