Can I actually sit here and admit this? Can I actually write the words in my head out for all to see? I've been tired lately. I've been feeling a tad bit depressed and I've been struggling to give God all my love. I'm still in this cycle of doubt and need reassurance. Yes, I'm doubting you even give that reassurance freely...God. Is this the thorn in my side? Self-doubt? How do I even begin to overcome this? I am just trying to be the best me but the last few days I've looked into the mirror and wanted to cry. I feel SO empty and I know what I need to do to be filled but I have no desire to do it. So instead my fingers scroll down my instagram feed as I fill my heart and mind with other's dreams and even though the voice in my head is saying pause, turn to me, wait on me and I'll show up, I am trying to get your attention. Can you not see me?? Hear me? Trust me? I keep on.
I'll admit, I like to see instant results when I do something and I am not quite sure how to break from this cycle when it comes to my pursuit of Jesus and having a more intimate relationship with Him. I try, I fail, I give up, and so I try again. Yet, each time the space in between giving up and trying again seems to increase. That scares me, and I sometimes think, "What is bottom?", because maybe if I hit there, I can have no choice but to rise up, yet that thought scares me and so I try again.
Stumbled upon a song today when searching for music to fill my soul and ran into this one. It's by Bethel and I think although I find myself unable to believe the words of the song, at certain times in my life, especially lately, there is power in words and I know these words are speaking to my soul as I listen.
I just want to get it right in the waiting...whatever that even means.