I love you so much. Looking at you now I wish I would've expressed that to you more. How happy I am to be your daughter and how happy I am to call you daddy and my father. I love you, and I hope you know that. I hope you know I have never in my life overlooked how much you did for us. You follow God, and the relationship you have with him encourages me every single day of my life. You were right, I love to write just like you, and that is a gift I'm thankful you have and that God also gave me. I write about you often. How I want to be close to you and how I want you to know that I love you. To truly understand it. So here I am saying it to you, dad the bible says that nothing can separate us from the love from of God and similarity I want you to know that nothing can separate me from the love I have for you and that I know you have for me. I'm sorry for the times I argued with you rather than listened, I'll admit, you were right a majority of the time. I'm sorry for the times you asked me to call more, and I didn't, I should have. And I'm sorry for not showing you enough how appreciative I am of the sacrifices you've made and continue to make for this family. I am my daddy's daughter, and I say that because my feisty at times argumentative personality or ability to stand up for justice, I believe I learned from you and mom. Two of the most influential people I know who would go to battle for anyone in the natural or spiritual. I want to say thank you. I'm not losing hope, but I need you to fight. I need you to fight. I need you to be here to walk me down the aisle, to dance with me on my wedding day. To see your other grandchildren. I need to call you more, every week just to say hi and tell you just how much I love you. Because I do. Daddy, I love you with an immeasurable amount of love. I love you so so much. I'm sorry for the times I didn't listen, and I hurt you. Or made you feel like you weren't a good father. You always did things with my best interest in mind, and I wouldn't be the woman I am today if not for you doing that. And for all of us. I love you, daddy. I love you so much. Let's fight! I'm telling Jesus he can't have you. It's not your time at all yet. So the devil is gone! I know if I were in your position, you'd be fighting for me in prayer and believing. I'm going to do exactly what I knew you'd do for me. Fight!
I love you.
(Written in 2015 following dad's stroke)
Written March 30, 2011
I should be studying for a test that I will be taking in the next few hours, but I find myself always wanting to express my feelings when I should be making sure my grades are as valuable to me as the $30,000+ I pay to attend this University. But in many ways, I am doing something that very well could be part of my future, so it isn’t a complete waste.
The last few months have been busy and when I think of all the things I thought this year would be…I am left thinking to myself what the heck, NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would go. To hear this would be a season of acceleration and yet here I am reminiscing on the past and my current situation thinking, “Jesus…in what way? Where? And am I missing something?" These thoughts on life currently consume me.
I've been pondering more in-depth about the things of God because lately, my life doesn't make sense. And when I look at certain situations that have left me sad, angry, and frustrated, midst everything I am thankful and happy to know that I did not learn each lesson in vain. Instead, I've learned all I needed to learn wrapped up in the abundance of God’s grace. I have been forced to give God total control and forgive myself. I've also had to confess some of my shortcomings to God and keep moving forward, knowing I have done all I could do. I've had to learn in such an unusual way, the threshold of Pain.
I recently had to come to terms with the end of a friendship, and the pain I felt about it was at first tough and at times still can be. Amidst asking God what the heck just happened? That’s when my thoughts rolled, and God began to speak to me.
You see, I began to think of everyone who has experienced some form of pain in their life, more specifically abuse, and I started to understand why someone might return to an abusive situation. I thought, PAIN. They return to abuse because, at times, the pain is the very thing that makes life seem reasonable. Although it taints any foresight of the future at times and tests one’s hope and faith, for the abused, it is sometimes easier to return to a relationship where at least the pain is understood. To come out of something and experience an unfamiliar form of pain, the pain of the unknown. Waking up every single day, not knowing what day the pain would be gone and your broken heart mended.
Which left me thinking, how people can overcome all sorts of pain and adversity without Christ in their lives? I almost commend anyone who has done this or does do this because naturally when things get tough in my life, I am so quick to look to Jesus even if to ask Him the question of…“Seriously? What the heck is going on? You said this, so when will this all happen? Ugh…”. He sometimes answers or makes the pain last just a little longer, but I know myself, and I know I can't hold the weight of pain without His help. He always takes me through.
Once you've experienced loss, it can be tough to see past the pain but how nice to know that God says we can cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us. Less than perfect situations in life can bring us that much closer to God, and I believe He can take bad situations in our lives and turn them into something beautiful.
What is it today that you find yourself holding onto? Is it remorse, guilt, frustration, loneliness, anger? Why not give it to God and continue to love life and every circumstance you're in even if it has to be from a distance. We sometimes say stuff we don’t mean and we also run away from situations that make us look less than perfect. But God sees past all that, so why not skip the whole being macho and jump straight into brokenness, and embrace it.
Pain is one way to experience the presence of God in an unfamiliar way. It is also God's way of bringing us closer to Him. Embrace the pain, look unto Jesus, and understand if you hold on and allow yourself to feel, and to grieve, healing comes.
Written August 12, 2014
Getting over something or someone is a process. It takes time; it takes having grace for yourself when going through challenging situations. I think it is also vital to acknowledge what God is trying to teach you when going through trials and tribulations. These past few months, there has been quite a bit I have been learning about dealing and healing from being hurt. I, however, unusual to me, for whatever reason am unable to process in a paragraph type form, and although I am still struggling like MAJOR to do all of the following things listed below, they are just some of the things I am learning when it comes to “grieving” relationships, aka “ugh…sucks, sucks, sucks, I hate this” times. Maybe you can relate:
1) Don’t take the way another person deals with grief personally. Yeah, it may have something to do with you, but doesn’t mean that person hates you. They may not know how to treat you kindly. I mean maybe they are just an ass, but I prefer seeing the best in people and figure more often than not they are just hurt and deal with their hurt differently.
2) It takes conscious effort to STOP THINKING SO MUCH about the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve scenarios. Let those thoughts go NOW, then let them go a few seconds, minutes, hours and days later when they come up because the boy will they come up again and again. I’ve found once you’ve got out the initial emotions it’s a great idea to seek professional help to process through everything with someone who has no ties to you or that person.
3) Have grace for yourself and be kind to yourself. Thinking about the could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve is a small sign that you cared. That’s awesome! Each day you will have to let go and let God, but in time you’ll realize your thoughts don’t wander as far as they used to and there is peace.
4) Quit with the constant chatter. Yeah, it was great to talk to everyone and anyone about your heartache when it happened, but at the same time, I’m learning you never should be talking to people more than you’re talking to God. Practice telling Him what your thinking; this also helps prevent rumors from starting. I’ll admit, I am a verbal processor and talk a lot, but I’m sometimes learning the best remedy to moving on is shutting up. Or at least talking to a few trustworthy people. This point is not my strong suit.
5) Talking to the person who broke your heart or hurt you doesn’t always help. You may think, “If I can just say this to him or her, I’ll feel better.” Umm…sorry, but no, you won’t. One more conversation will not help you most of the time. It will leave you with more questions and fewer answers. Use wisdom before sparking a conversation and make sure if you’re going to talk…you’ve thought out what you want to say, and that you can say it with love.
6) Yeah, maybe they still like you, love you, shoot and perhaps none of the above. Perhaps they have moved on. Sadly, it doesn’t matter. If you were supposed to be with them today or yesterday…you would have been, and if you’re supposed to be with them five years from now, you will be.
7) Having faith doesn’t mean putting your trust in a situation going the way you want it too unless God told you exactly how it would go, so let go of anything apart from His will. True faith is putting your trust in God and His word. Trusting IN HIM that no matter what happens, he’s in control. Not in believing that the situation will happen this way or that way. Well, what if it doesn’t? Ask yourself who your faith is in, and if your hope is in the mountain and the mountain crumbles, then you’ll crumble with it. If your hope is in God and the mountain crumbles…well, God is still sovereign and well capable of building a new mountain. He can’t crumble and will NEVER crumble.
8) You’re beautiful, handsome, excellent, great. Sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, just depends on the day. Those who matter don’t mind, and those who don’t matter will mind. Be kind to everyone to the best of your abilities, but who doesn’t wear their emotions on their sleeves when going through a tough time. Have grace for yourself and hopefully, others will too. If they don’t, whatever…sounds harsh but better you grieve now than spend years grieving because you’re afraid of offending people.
9) Reading, writing, and arithmetic. Find ways to express yourself or surround yourself with positive thoughts, words, and people. Watch positive videos, read positive books, yet understand there is no formula too grief. Doing this or that plus this or that will not always equal a whole and healed heart. Again…have grace for yourself and be okay with needing time. Don’t base how you grieve off of what others say or fill your heart with things that make you hope in the wrong things.
10) Do what makes you happy, but do it for yourself and not for the approval of others. Trust me; this has been super tough for me. However, it’s a day to day process…just see #2.
11-15) Love God. Love yourself. Love others. Love your life. Live your life.
Just some of the lessons I am learning this season of life. I’ll admit I don’t like a lot of these lessons because, in my perfect little head, I would be conquering the world no grief in sight with a companion by my side, but I’m riding solo. None the less, hope it helps you in some way.
Embrace the grieving process. Jump into the waves and ride them out. However, be sure to bring Jesus in for the ride. I guarantee that those salty and tumultuous waves will somehow cleanse you. If He brought you to it, He can bring you through it.
May you find cleansing waters in life’s most tumultuous waves.