I love you so much. Looking at you now I wish I would've expressed that to you more. How happy I am to be your daughter and how happy I am to call you daddy and my father. I love you, and I hope you know that. I hope you know I have never in my life overlooked how much you did for us. You follow God, and the relationship you have with him encourages me every single day of my life. You were right, I love to write just like you, and that is a gift I'm thankful you have and that God also gave me. I write about you often. How I want to be close to you and how I want you to know that I love you. To truly understand it. So here I am saying it to you, dad the bible says that nothing can separate us from the love from of God and similarity I want you to know that nothing can separate me from the love I have for you and that I know you have for me. I'm sorry for the times I argued with you rather than listened, I'll admit, you were right a majority of the time. I'm sorry for the times you asked me to call more, and I didn't, I should have. And I'm sorry for not showing you enough how appreciative I am of the sacrifices you've made and continue to make for this family. I am my daddy's daughter, and I say that because my feisty at times argumentative personality or ability to stand up for justice, I believe I learned from you and mom. Two of the most influential people I know who would go to battle for anyone in the natural or spiritual. I want to say thank you. I'm not losing hope, but I need you to fight. I need you to fight. I need you to be here to walk me down the aisle, to dance with me on my wedding day. To see your other grandchildren. I need to call you more, every week just to say hi and tell you just how much I love you. Because I do. Daddy, I love you with an immeasurable amount of love. I love you so so much. I'm sorry for the times I didn't listen, and I hurt you. Or made you feel like you weren't a good father. You always did things with my best interest in mind, and I wouldn't be the woman I am today if not for you doing that. And for all of us. I love you, daddy. I love you so much. Let's fight! I'm telling Jesus he can't have you. It's not your time at all yet. So the devil is gone! I know if I were in your position, you'd be fighting for me in prayer and believing. I'm going to do exactly what I knew you'd do for me. Fight!
I love you.
(Written in 2015 following dad's stroke)
Written March 30, 2011
I should be studying for a test I will be taking in the next few hours, but I find myself wanting to express my feelings even though my grades should probably look as valuable as the $30,000+ I pay to attend this University.
The last few months have been hectic, and when I think about everything I thought this year would be…I am left thinking to myself what the heck, NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would go. Someone told me this would be a season of acceleration, and here I am reminiscing on the past and my current situation thinking, “Jesus…in what way? Where? And am I missing something?" These thoughts on life currently consume me.
I've been pondering more in-depth about the things of God lately. This is because my life doesn't make sense, and when I look at certain situations that have left me sad, angry, and frustrated, I am thankful and happy to know that I did not learn each lesson in vain. Instead, I've learned that everything I need to learn is wrapped up in the abundance of God’s grace. Lately, I've felt forced to give God total control and forgive myself. I've also had some real conversations with God where I've been honest about my shortcomings in order to keep moving forward, knowing I had done all I could do. In doing this, I've had to learn, the threshold of Pain.
I recently had to come to terms with the end of a friendship, and the pain I felt about it was at first tough and at times still can be. Amidst asking God what the heck just happened, that’s when God began to speak to me.
I began to think of everyone who has experienced some form of pain in their life, more specifically from an unhealthy relationship, and I started to understand why someone might return to an abusive situation. I thought, PAIN. They return to abuse because, at times, the pain is the very thing that makes life seem bearable. Although it taints foresight of the future and tests one’s hope and faith, sometimes it's easier to return to a relationship or "situationship" where the pain is understood. In some cases, we don't want to let go of the time, effort, and emotion we invested in the other person. It's like we have to prove we are worthy enough, maybe even with hopes of changing our partner. Then when it ends, the reality we face is that new unfamiliar pain we've run from, the pain of the unknown. This pain is healing but tough. Every single day, you wake up not knowing what day the pain will be gone, and this is what I'm finding to be the hardest part about walking through the threshold..
I don't know how people overcome all sorts of pain and adversity without Christ. I almost commend anyone who has overcome trials without faith in God, because when things get tough in my life, I am so quick to look to Jesus even if to ask Him the question of…“Seriously? What the heck is going on? You said this, so when will this all happen? Ugh…”. He sometimes answers or makes the pain last just a little longer, but I know myself, and I know I can't hold the weight of any pain without His help. He always takes me through.
Once you've experienced loss, it can be tough to see past the pain, but I love that God says we can cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us. Less than perfect situations in life can bring us that much closer to God, and I believe He can take bad situations in our lives and turn them into something beautiful.
What is it today that you find yourself holding onto? Is it remorse, guilt, frustration, loneliness, anger? Why not give it to God and continue to love life and every circumstance you're in even if it has to be from a distance. We sometimes say stuff we don’t mean and we also run away from situations that make us look less than perfect. But God sees past all that, so why not skip the whole being macho and jump straight into brokenness, and embrace it.
Pain is one way to experience the presence of God in an unfamiliar way. It is also God's way of bringing us closer to Him. Embrace the pain, look unto Jesus, and understand if you hold on and allow yourself to feel, and to grieve, healing comes.
Written August 12, 2014
Getting over something or someone is a process. It takes time; it takes having grace for yourself when going through challenging situations. I think it is also vital to acknowledge what God is trying to teach you when going through trials and tribulations. These past few months, I've been learning how to deal and heal. However, although my struggles to deal and heal feel out of control (depends on the day) the following things listed below are just some lessons I am learning when it comes to “grieving” relationships, aka “ugh…sucks, sucks, sucks, I hate this” times. Maybe you can relate:
1) Don’t take the way another person deals with grief personally. Yeah, it may have something to do with you, but that doesn’t mean that person hates you. They may not know how to treat you kindly. I mean maybe they are just an ass, but I prefer to see the best in people and choose to believe that maybe they are just hurt and deal with their hurt differently.
2) It takes conscious effort to STOP THINKING SO MUCH about the should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve scenarios. Let those thoughts go NOW, then let them go a few seconds, minutes, hours and days later when they come up because the boy will they come up again and again. I’ve found once you’ve got out the initial emotions of pain, it’s a great idea to seek professional help to process through everything with someone who has no ties to you or that person.
3) Have grace for yourself and be kind to yourself. Thinking about the could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve is a small sign that you cared. That’s awesome! Each day you will have to let go and let God, but in time you’ll realize your thoughts don’t wander as far as they used to and there is peace.
4) Quit with the constant chatter. Yeah, it was great to talk to everyone and anyone about your heartache when it happened, but at the same time, I’m learning you never should be talking to people more than you’re talking to God. Practice telling Him what you're thinking; this also helps prevent rumors from starting. I’ll admit, I am a verbal processor and talk a lot, but I’m sometimes learning the best remedy to moving on is shutting up. Or at least talking to a few trustworthy people. This point is not my strong suit.
5) Talking to the person who broke your heart or hurt you doesn’t always help. You may think, “If I can just say this to him or her, I’ll feel better.” Umm…sorry, but no, you won’t. One more conversation will not help you most of the time. It will leave you with more questions and fewer answers. Use wisdom before sparking a conversation and make sure if you’re going to talk…you’ve thought out what you want to say, and that you can say it with love.
6) Yeah, maybe they still like you, love you, shoot and perhaps none of the above. Perhaps they have moved on. Sadly, it doesn’t matter. If you were supposed to be with them today or yesterday…you would have been, and if you’re supposed to be with them five years from now, you will be.
7) Having faith doesn’t mean putting your trust in a situation going the way you want it too unless God told you exactly how it would go, so let go of anything apart from His will. True faith is putting your trust in God and His word. Trusting IN HIM that no matter what happens, he’s in control. Not in believing that the situation will happen this way or that way. Well, what if it doesn’t? Ask yourself who your faith is in, and if your hope is in the mountain and the mountain crumbles, then you’ll crumble with it. If your hope is in God and the mountain crumbles…well, God is still sovereign and God is capable of building a new mountain. He can’t crumble and will NEVER crumble.
8) You’re beautiful, handsome, excellent, great. Sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, just depends on the day. Those who matter don’t mind, and those who don’t matter will mind. Be kind to everyone to the best of your abilities, but who doesn’t wear their emotions on their sleeves when going through a tough time. Have grace for yourself and hopefully, others will too. If they don’t, whatever…sounds harsh but better you grieve now than spend years grieving because you’re afraid of offending people.
9) Reading, writing, and arithmetic. Find ways to express yourself or surround yourself with positive thoughts, words, and people. Watch positive videos, read positive books, yet understand there is no formula to grief. Doing this or that plus this or that will not always equal a whole and healed heart. Again…have grace for yourself and be okay with needing time. Don’t base how you grieve off of what others say or fill your heart with things that make you hope in the wrong things.
10) Do what makes you happy, but do it for yourself and not for the approval of others. Trust me; this has been super tough for me. However, it’s a day to day process…just see #2.
11-15) Love God. Love yourself. Love others. Love your life. Live your life.
Just some of the lessons I am learning this season of life. I’ll admit I don’t like a lot of these lessons because, in my perfect little head, I would be conquering the world no grief in sight with a companion by my side, but I’m riding solo. None the less, hope it helps you in some way.
Embrace the grieving process. Jump into the waves and ride them out. However, be sure to bring Jesus in for the ride. I guarantee that those salty and tumultuous waves will somehow cleanse you. If He brought you to it, He can bring you through it.
May you find cleansing waters in life’s most tumultuous waves.