Written March 30, 2011
I should be studying for a test that I will be taking in the next few hours, but I find myself always wanting to express my feelings when I should be making sure my grades are as valuable to me as the $30,000+ I pay to attend this University. But in many ways, I am doing something that very well could be part of my future, so it isn’t a complete waste.
The last few months have been busy and when I think of all the things I thought this year would be…I am left thinking to myself what the heck, NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would go. To hear this would be a season of acceleration and yet here I am reminiscing on the past and my current situation thinking, “Jesus…in what way? Where? And am I missing something?" These thoughts on life currently consume me.
I've been pondering more in-depth about the things of God because lately, my life doesn't make sense. And when I look at certain situations that have left me sad, angry, and frustrated, midst everything I am thankful and happy to know that I did not learn each lesson in vain. Instead, I've learned all I needed to learn wrapped up in the abundance of God’s grace. I have been forced to give God total control and forgive myself. I've also had to confess some of my shortcomings to God and keep moving forward, knowing I have done all I could do. I've had to learn in such an unusual way, the threshold of Pain.
I recently had to come to terms with the end of a friendship, and the pain I felt about it was at first tough and at times still can be. Amidst asking God what the heck just happened? That’s when my thoughts rolled, and God began to speak to me.
You see, I began to think of everyone who has experienced some form of pain in their life, more specifically abuse, and I started to understand why someone might return to an abusive situation. I thought, PAIN. They return to abuse because, at times, the pain is the very thing that makes life seem reasonable. Although it taints any foresight of the future at times and tests one’s hope and faith, for the abused, it is sometimes easier to return to a relationship where at least the pain is understood. To come out of something and experience an unfamiliar form of pain, the pain of the unknown. Waking up every single day, not knowing what day the pain would be gone and your broken heart mended.
Which left me thinking, how people can overcome all sorts of pain and adversity without Christ in their lives? I almost commend anyone who has done this or does do this because naturally when things get tough in my life, I am so quick to look to Jesus even if to ask Him the question of…“Seriously? What the heck is going on? You said this, so when will this all happen? Ugh…”. He sometimes answers or makes the pain last just a little longer, but I know myself, and I know I can't hold the weight of pain without His help. He always takes me through.
Once you've experienced loss, it can be tough to see past the pain but how nice to know that God says we can cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us. Less than perfect situations in life can bring us that much closer to God, and I believe He can take bad situations in our lives and turn them into something beautiful.
What is it today that you find yourself holding onto? Is it remorse, guilt, frustration, loneliness, anger? Why not give it to God and continue to love life and every circumstance you're in even if it has to be from a distance. We sometimes say stuff we don’t mean and we also run away from situations that make us look less than perfect. But God sees past all that, so why not skip the whole being macho and jump straight into brokenness, and embrace it.
Pain is one way to experience the presence of God in an unfamiliar way. It is also God's way of bringing us closer to Him. Embrace the pain, look unto Jesus, and understand if you hold on and allow yourself to feel, and to grieve, healing comes.