Written October 28, 2012
I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago, and I was reminded of the kind of work God does. I was reading the story of King Jehoshaphat (2 Chronicles 20:1-29) one night, and how at his wits ends, overcome by anguish and tiredness, God sent a prophet to speak to him regarding what he and his people were to do in battle.
As I read this story, I saw people who despite the uncertainty of the moment praised and worshiped God into battle. The story was spoke to my heart in a very personal way. Here are some things I took from those verses.
Easy enough, right?
These last four days have been draining, frustrating and at some points very discouraging. Things are going down a different path than I thought they would, and in all of it, I am reminded I do not like change. The uncertainty is not so much what get’s me as much as being jerked to and fro by waves of emotion coming from so many different places. Places I’d prefer not to go.
My thoughts are scattered, so bear with me.
I am not sure what God is doing right now in my life. I sometimes feel like the kid who is sitting at the dinner table, expecting dessert at the end of my meal, and instead, I get spinach. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE spinach, but you can imagine the disappointment that comes with hoping for something and it is entirely different than what you've set your heart and mind towards, even if you know that the option presented to you is a healthier choice for your body. Fair enough, I was looking at the momentary satisfaction rather than the long term benefits, but can a sistah' get some dessert? You see my point.
We've all heard the infamous quote, “When life hands you lemons make lemonade,” however, when life handed you lemons, have you ever wanted to throw them away and pout like a child until you got what you wanted. In the waiting game, that seems so much better and fulfilling, but it isn’t. It can’t be and won’t always be the answer or solution to life’s toughest problems.
I am not sure at what point in my life, I developed this crazy idea that living life with Jesus at the center would equate to a life without pain. However, in recent months I’ve been wrong far too many times and hurt far too many times to continue living life thinking this. Life isn’t easy, and sometimes I want to take my heart and my mind and replace them both with a heart and soul that hasn’t been hurt abused or trampled on before. I think maybe then, I could love “fearlessly." Sadly that's a false reality, hurt is inevitable in a world plagued by sin, and the silver lining of hope that exists in all of it is Jesus. To even know what love is, to experience true love, I believe you sometimes have to experience the absence of it unless you’re a robot that doesn’t need to feel anything. Yet, I am just tired. Tired of fighting for my heart and tired of being tired.
I think we all get to this point sometimes. A point where God is doing something big in the supernatural, yet in the natural it is not pleasant. Yet, I am also learning you can’t over trust God. Especially a God who knows you more than you know yourself. I am personally tired of trying to make lemonade out of life’s lemons and have made a conscious decision to give the lemons to Jesus and say, “Make whatever you want.” The wait and frustration makes me look crazy at times because the healing process isn’t easy, but in all of this, my heart chooses to believe that God is always doing something in the desert.